What happens when you wake up and it's -21 degrees...

You read that right -- it's negative 21 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now, at 8:08 a.m. CST. The windchills are in the mid -40s. So when your alarm goes off at 6 a.m., and you hear MPR (that's Minnesota Public Radio) telling you it's one of the coldest days in this decade and they start reporting the school closings, this is what you do:

1) Immediately abandon all plans to get up and go to the gym before you husband leaves for work. That was a stupid idea anyway.
2) Hike up the humidifier next to your bed. You can practically feel the forced air heat sapping each ounce of moisture from your body.
3) Warn your husband about how car exhaust creates black ice on roadways, and how, when it's this cold, salt on the roads is wholly ineffective, so he should be extra careful when driving to work today (and then when going to the hockey game tonight).
4) Roll over and go back to sleep until your kids wake you up.
5) A few minutes later, when your kids wake you up, and you get them situated with their morning milk and dose of Scooby Doo, with the full expectation that they will rarely leave the couch for the rest of the day, except perhaps when you tempt them with making dinosaur-shaped cookies this afternoon.
6) Cancel the kids dentist appointments for the day. It's too cold for the dentist.
7) Decide against going to the moms' group. It's too cold for the moms' group.
8) Make a large pot of coffee and fetch the Bailey's from the liquor cabinet.
9) Spend the day knitting, challenging Irene to Facebook wordgames, pondering the meaning of my existence, moderating toy-related squabbles, preparing for my Westlaw contract job, and otherwise watching the minutes tick by. You know you're jealous.

Words to Live By

"There have always been motherfuckers. There will always be motherfuckers. We can't let them rule our motherfucking lives." -- John Oliver, The Daily Show

We wish we had written this...

Courtesy of Matt Robertson at CWT....

M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Stober Family Members, Newton Highlands Branch

FROM: Marc Stober, Chief Operating Officer

DATE: November 21, 2008

SUBJECT: The Financial Crisis

With the recent news on Wall Street, I have been hearing many concerns about our organization’s situation and wanted to take this opportunity to detail what we are doing from the top.

First, there will be no layoffs.

As you know, we are operating at a deficit this year, due to extraordinary child care and preschool expenses. It is important to note that this is unrelated to the general financial crisis, and these expenses are fully funded through school year 2008-9.

In terms of recurring revenue, our employers have indicated that they are committed to continuing at present levels on a monthly basis. However, they are also facing pressure, and, based on our discussions with them, we are budgeting for a significantly smaller increase in revenue compared to what we have seen in recent years.

At present, our greatest exposure is highly leveraged real estate debt used to purchase our primary residence. While related debt service is our largest recurring expense, the good news is that this is a fixed expense that will not increase until at least 2013. We believe our investment is fundamentally sound, and will achieve long-term growth while continuing to provide immediate benefits through use of the underlying assets, regardless of the current market.

Our extended family’s long history of continuous operation through difficult times–including the Great Depression–gives us the strength to navigate in the present climate. However, in light of the global financial situation, there are some measures we are taking to cut back expenses. We feel these measures are prudent to preserve cash flow in the face of uncertain growth and unfavorable credit prospects.

The most difficult budget issue is transportation, and we have not made any final decisions. As you know, our second car was scheduled for replacement at the end of this school year, and we may decide to extend its service life. The reason we have not made a final decision is that repair costs required for this course of action are yet unknown. While this is potentially disappointing, keep in mind that our primary car still serves over 80% or our non-transit transportation needs. We committed to meeting those needs, and through a program of regular maintenance (that has not been cut), we have not had any unplanned downtime for a primary car in over 4 years. Additionally, thanks to successful strategic planning undertaken by the Board, we are uniquely situated for a suburban family to be able to utilize the MBTA as a safe, cost-effective option.

In the Travel and Entertainment category, you will find that fewer requests to eat in restaurants will be approved, and requests for desserts in restaurants, particularly, will not be approved (unless they are included in the cost of a kid’s meal). In the case of Cabot’s or The Cheesecake Factory, where ice cream or cheesecake, respectively, is kind of the point, sharing is strongly encouraged. An additional benefit of this will be improved health. Netflix has been put on hold for 90 days, and we will reconsider that offering then; unopened red envelopes left on top of the TV indicate a lack of demand at present. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions are subject to elimination as well. Executives, including myself, are being asked to purchase regular coffee in place of more expensive coffee drinks while traveling, and to utilize meals from our on-site food service provider whenever possible.

Charitable giving will continue, primarily to organizations to which we have supported on a regular annual basis, and new requests will be considered individually.

All major vacations, home improvements, and furniture purchases are temporarily put on hold, unless essential. Pre-approved food and clothing purchases can continue as needed and may be subject to increased budget scrutiny.

Lastly, note that we have no plans to add human resources. Requests for non-human resources (i.e., pets) may be considered in a future fiscal year.

The bottom line is that while the coming years may not be everything we want, we will stay together and have great stories to tell the grandkids.

Happy Thanksgiving.

One of the funniest scenes ever!

I love this one...

Thoughts on a Tuesday morning

I'm in the mood to write this morning, although I don't know exactly about what. I could write about how much I am enjoying my morning coffee with my holiday-inspired flavor of nondairy creamer (I had a coupon from the Super Target), or I could write about how much I love using coupons at the Super Target. I could write about how much I dislike having to start studying for the bar, or how annoyed I am that in reprogramming our thermostat I somehow messed it up and ended up setting to 60 degrees last night when it was a mere 12 degrees outside. Hmmm. Instead I think I will write about how much I love my children.

Noah is a beautiful, wonderful, sweet boy. Usually. The other day he was sitting on my lap in church, nuzzling my neck. I started hearing him sniff around, and I remembered I sprayed a little perfume that morning, which I don't often do. I was waiting for something sweet, like "Mommy, you smell like flowers." Instead, in not-at-all a whisper, he said, "Mom, you don't smell very good at all. You need to go home and take a shower." I tried to explain that he was smelling my perfume, which was supposed to make me smell good. "Well, it doesn't smell very good to me. Yuck." It's hard not to laugh at the utterly pure, uncensored comments of a toddler. But on the sweeter side, in the last several months, there will be times when he'll be playing contently, or watching TV or eating a snack, and this look will come across his face -- a look that says, "all is right with the world." It's a look that reveals that he feels calm and at peace. And in many of those moments, he will look at me and smile, then run over to bury his head in my hip or lap, and say, "Mommy, I love you so much." Then he'll wander off to resume whatever he was doing. My mom told me the other day that she is trying to impart on her students that the most important goal of a health-care provider is to make her patients feel safe. Well, seems to me that's the exact thing we should be aiming for as parents, too. If our kids feel safe and secure, then everything else stems from that. This demeanor of Noah's, and his proclamations of love, tell me he feels secure. So now matter how excessive his TV watching, or how meager his consumption of green vegetables, or how few the moments we may spend working on phonics together, I know I'm doing alright as a mom because my kid feels safe.

Luke makes me question that. Luke is going to kill Matt and me one day -- if not literally, I can guarantee he's going at the very least beat up into submission. These are conversations we are envisioning in our future:

Friend: "Matt and Mary, where is your car?"
Us: "Luke has it."
Friend: "But Luke is only 14."
Us: "We know, but he told us he was going to take it, and he did."

Or

Noah: "Dad, it's 3 a.m. and Luke isn't in his bed."
Matt: "I know."
Noah: "Where is he?"
Matt: "He said he was going out."
Noah: "But Dad, he's only 9."
Matt: "I know, but he said he was leaving and you know your brother."

Or

Friend: "Mary, why are you letting Luke repeatedly hit you in the head with his fist?"
Me: "Because he thinks it's funny. I used to try to stop him or discipline him in some way, but in doing so, I was only increasing his enjoyment. So letting him do it makes it end sooner."

So that's Luke. We have come to understand that the Path of Least Resistance is simply the best, and many times only, path to take with Luke. He will throw us a bone every once in a while though. He's a fantastic cuddler, and to this day, he'll rest his head on your shoulder and doze off in a way that Noah never would. And he's incredible with his manners -- he rarely needs prompting to say please or thank you. He'll look up at us with those gigantic blue eyes and say, "Peas mommy?" and I'll crumble. (Part of that is because we're just so darn happy he's finally talking.) And all of this embodies the fact that the kid is just to smart for us. He's demonstrated his problem-solving skills since he was a tiny infant, and he learned quickly that a good dose of charm will allow him to manipulate almost any situation. I've started praying every day for the strength and wisdom to mother Luke in a way that won't turn him into a psychopath, and we hope with all our might that Luke is simply being "terribly two," and that he will grow out of this. Until then, God help us all.

Noah for Obama!

Inspired by Jeff's desire to impart the significance of the events of Tuesday on Tommy, I tried to explain to Noah what was happening that day. Noah is 11 months younger than Tommy, which is a big deal when you're only 4. So I prepared myself for blank stares and periodic interjections on the awesomeness of Michaelangelo (the preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) or requests for juice. But I sat him down anyway and we looked at the gigantic pictures of McCain and Obama in the Mpls Star Tribune. I explained that today was the day we pick which of these two guys we want to be the boss of America. (Although I did use the "real" words, given that Noah and I had a 10 minute discussion the other day about what "absolutely" meant, I wanted to keep this as simple as possible). I said we like Obama best, and that's who Daddy and I voted for (and Mema and Bobo, and Grammie and Grandpa, and all the aunts and uncles, friends, etc.). I then played the preschool game of "what's different between these two guys?" He identified only two things: 1) Obama was wearing a tie, McCain wasn't; and 2) Obama's mouth was opened, McCain's was closed. He said that was it, that otherwise they looked the same. I was prepared to try to explain the concept of race, but when he didn't see the difference, I didn't want to point it out to him. I was genuinely moved by this prime example of childhood innocence, and I didn't want to spoil it.

And as an aside, hearing that 4 year-old voice say "Barak Obama" is one of the cutest things ever.

I have to point out the one area of disappointment on election day -- the fact that three states voted to ban gay marriage. As Rachel Maddow pointed out on her show, this is particularly significant in California because the people there voted not just to prohibit something from happening, but to affirmatively take away a right that had already been specifically previously granted. And as Jon Stewart noted, 69% of blacks in California voted in favor of the ban. I guess the concept of equal rights only extends so far. Very disappointing.

In preparation for Election Day...

why not test your civic literacy? Here's the quiz. I was completely stumped by some of the questions. It takes a while, but it's pretty interesting. I scored a 75% -- I'm not sure if I'm proud of that, since it means that I know a lot more than the average American, or if I'm ashamed, since there's still a whole lot I don't know. Feel free to comment on how well you scored. We'll see who among my readership is most worthy of their American citizenship.