Words to Live By

"There have always been motherfuckers. There will always be motherfuckers. We can't let them rule our motherfucking lives." -- John Oliver, The Daily Show

We wish we had written this...

Courtesy of Matt Robertson at CWT....

M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Stober Family Members, Newton Highlands Branch

FROM: Marc Stober, Chief Operating Officer

DATE: November 21, 2008

SUBJECT: The Financial Crisis

With the recent news on Wall Street, I have been hearing many concerns about our organization’s situation and wanted to take this opportunity to detail what we are doing from the top.

First, there will be no layoffs.

As you know, we are operating at a deficit this year, due to extraordinary child care and preschool expenses. It is important to note that this is unrelated to the general financial crisis, and these expenses are fully funded through school year 2008-9.

In terms of recurring revenue, our employers have indicated that they are committed to continuing at present levels on a monthly basis. However, they are also facing pressure, and, based on our discussions with them, we are budgeting for a significantly smaller increase in revenue compared to what we have seen in recent years.

At present, our greatest exposure is highly leveraged real estate debt used to purchase our primary residence. While related debt service is our largest recurring expense, the good news is that this is a fixed expense that will not increase until at least 2013. We believe our investment is fundamentally sound, and will achieve long-term growth while continuing to provide immediate benefits through use of the underlying assets, regardless of the current market.

Our extended family’s long history of continuous operation through difficult times–including the Great Depression–gives us the strength to navigate in the present climate. However, in light of the global financial situation, there are some measures we are taking to cut back expenses. We feel these measures are prudent to preserve cash flow in the face of uncertain growth and unfavorable credit prospects.

The most difficult budget issue is transportation, and we have not made any final decisions. As you know, our second car was scheduled for replacement at the end of this school year, and we may decide to extend its service life. The reason we have not made a final decision is that repair costs required for this course of action are yet unknown. While this is potentially disappointing, keep in mind that our primary car still serves over 80% or our non-transit transportation needs. We committed to meeting those needs, and through a program of regular maintenance (that has not been cut), we have not had any unplanned downtime for a primary car in over 4 years. Additionally, thanks to successful strategic planning undertaken by the Board, we are uniquely situated for a suburban family to be able to utilize the MBTA as a safe, cost-effective option.

In the Travel and Entertainment category, you will find that fewer requests to eat in restaurants will be approved, and requests for desserts in restaurants, particularly, will not be approved (unless they are included in the cost of a kid’s meal). In the case of Cabot’s or The Cheesecake Factory, where ice cream or cheesecake, respectively, is kind of the point, sharing is strongly encouraged. An additional benefit of this will be improved health. Netflix has been put on hold for 90 days, and we will reconsider that offering then; unopened red envelopes left on top of the TV indicate a lack of demand at present. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions are subject to elimination as well. Executives, including myself, are being asked to purchase regular coffee in place of more expensive coffee drinks while traveling, and to utilize meals from our on-site food service provider whenever possible.

Charitable giving will continue, primarily to organizations to which we have supported on a regular annual basis, and new requests will be considered individually.

All major vacations, home improvements, and furniture purchases are temporarily put on hold, unless essential. Pre-approved food and clothing purchases can continue as needed and may be subject to increased budget scrutiny.

Lastly, note that we have no plans to add human resources. Requests for non-human resources (i.e., pets) may be considered in a future fiscal year.

The bottom line is that while the coming years may not be everything we want, we will stay together and have great stories to tell the grandkids.

Happy Thanksgiving.

One of the funniest scenes ever!

I love this one...

Thoughts on a Tuesday morning

I'm in the mood to write this morning, although I don't know exactly about what. I could write about how much I am enjoying my morning coffee with my holiday-inspired flavor of nondairy creamer (I had a coupon from the Super Target), or I could write about how much I love using coupons at the Super Target. I could write about how much I dislike having to start studying for the bar, or how annoyed I am that in reprogramming our thermostat I somehow messed it up and ended up setting to 60 degrees last night when it was a mere 12 degrees outside. Hmmm. Instead I think I will write about how much I love my children.

Noah is a beautiful, wonderful, sweet boy. Usually. The other day he was sitting on my lap in church, nuzzling my neck. I started hearing him sniff around, and I remembered I sprayed a little perfume that morning, which I don't often do. I was waiting for something sweet, like "Mommy, you smell like flowers." Instead, in not-at-all a whisper, he said, "Mom, you don't smell very good at all. You need to go home and take a shower." I tried to explain that he was smelling my perfume, which was supposed to make me smell good. "Well, it doesn't smell very good to me. Yuck." It's hard not to laugh at the utterly pure, uncensored comments of a toddler. But on the sweeter side, in the last several months, there will be times when he'll be playing contently, or watching TV or eating a snack, and this look will come across his face -- a look that says, "all is right with the world." It's a look that reveals that he feels calm and at peace. And in many of those moments, he will look at me and smile, then run over to bury his head in my hip or lap, and say, "Mommy, I love you so much." Then he'll wander off to resume whatever he was doing. My mom told me the other day that she is trying to impart on her students that the most important goal of a health-care provider is to make her patients feel safe. Well, seems to me that's the exact thing we should be aiming for as parents, too. If our kids feel safe and secure, then everything else stems from that. This demeanor of Noah's, and his proclamations of love, tell me he feels secure. So now matter how excessive his TV watching, or how meager his consumption of green vegetables, or how few the moments we may spend working on phonics together, I know I'm doing alright as a mom because my kid feels safe.

Luke makes me question that. Luke is going to kill Matt and me one day -- if not literally, I can guarantee he's going at the very least beat up into submission. These are conversations we are envisioning in our future:

Friend: "Matt and Mary, where is your car?"
Us: "Luke has it."
Friend: "But Luke is only 14."
Us: "We know, but he told us he was going to take it, and he did."

Or

Noah: "Dad, it's 3 a.m. and Luke isn't in his bed."
Matt: "I know."
Noah: "Where is he?"
Matt: "He said he was going out."
Noah: "But Dad, he's only 9."
Matt: "I know, but he said he was leaving and you know your brother."

Or

Friend: "Mary, why are you letting Luke repeatedly hit you in the head with his fist?"
Me: "Because he thinks it's funny. I used to try to stop him or discipline him in some way, but in doing so, I was only increasing his enjoyment. So letting him do it makes it end sooner."

So that's Luke. We have come to understand that the Path of Least Resistance is simply the best, and many times only, path to take with Luke. He will throw us a bone every once in a while though. He's a fantastic cuddler, and to this day, he'll rest his head on your shoulder and doze off in a way that Noah never would. And he's incredible with his manners -- he rarely needs prompting to say please or thank you. He'll look up at us with those gigantic blue eyes and say, "Peas mommy?" and I'll crumble. (Part of that is because we're just so darn happy he's finally talking.) And all of this embodies the fact that the kid is just to smart for us. He's demonstrated his problem-solving skills since he was a tiny infant, and he learned quickly that a good dose of charm will allow him to manipulate almost any situation. I've started praying every day for the strength and wisdom to mother Luke in a way that won't turn him into a psychopath, and we hope with all our might that Luke is simply being "terribly two," and that he will grow out of this. Until then, God help us all.

Noah for Obama!

Inspired by Jeff's desire to impart the significance of the events of Tuesday on Tommy, I tried to explain to Noah what was happening that day. Noah is 11 months younger than Tommy, which is a big deal when you're only 4. So I prepared myself for blank stares and periodic interjections on the awesomeness of Michaelangelo (the preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) or requests for juice. But I sat him down anyway and we looked at the gigantic pictures of McCain and Obama in the Mpls Star Tribune. I explained that today was the day we pick which of these two guys we want to be the boss of America. (Although I did use the "real" words, given that Noah and I had a 10 minute discussion the other day about what "absolutely" meant, I wanted to keep this as simple as possible). I said we like Obama best, and that's who Daddy and I voted for (and Mema and Bobo, and Grammie and Grandpa, and all the aunts and uncles, friends, etc.). I then played the preschool game of "what's different between these two guys?" He identified only two things: 1) Obama was wearing a tie, McCain wasn't; and 2) Obama's mouth was opened, McCain's was closed. He said that was it, that otherwise they looked the same. I was prepared to try to explain the concept of race, but when he didn't see the difference, I didn't want to point it out to him. I was genuinely moved by this prime example of childhood innocence, and I didn't want to spoil it.

And as an aside, hearing that 4 year-old voice say "Barak Obama" is one of the cutest things ever.

I have to point out the one area of disappointment on election day -- the fact that three states voted to ban gay marriage. As Rachel Maddow pointed out on her show, this is particularly significant in California because the people there voted not just to prohibit something from happening, but to affirmatively take away a right that had already been specifically previously granted. And as Jon Stewart noted, 69% of blacks in California voted in favor of the ban. I guess the concept of equal rights only extends so far. Very disappointing.

In preparation for Election Day...

why not test your civic literacy? Here's the quiz. I was completely stumped by some of the questions. It takes a while, but it's pretty interesting. I scored a 75% -- I'm not sure if I'm proud of that, since it means that I know a lot more than the average American, or if I'm ashamed, since there's still a whole lot I don't know. Feel free to comment on how well you scored. We'll see who among my readership is most worthy of their American citizenship.

Trick or Treat!

Noah decided he and Luke were going to be skeletons this year. And since Luke doesn't have an independent thought in his head (we're starting to call him, "Me Too"), Noah's decision trumped. And a big shout out to Sweetie, who made these costumes. I found the pattern, and Matt diligently traced and cut out ALL of those bones, one by one. We painted them with glow-in-dark paint (those pictures didn't turn out, but they were super cute). Luke refused his mask.

Luke also refused to allow anyone to help him carry his bag. He would not let go of the thing, even on our walk home. He just insisted that we pick up him AND the bag, and carry both of them. He knew his father was eyeing his full-size bag of M 'n' Ms. (For the record, those M 'n' Ms were no longer in Luke's bag when he woke up the next morning.) Noah did great -- he was very polite, said thank you to everyone, and didn't give us too much grief when we announced it was time to head home. I doubt this will be so easy next year.

We kept the intake to a minimum that night, and as it was, Luke's sugar crash was unreal. The worst part was when he was eating grape Nerds out of my hand like a goat at a petting zoo. Then he would come up for air, bottom half of his face completely purple, laughing his head off and snorting like the little brother on Christmas Story. We can already tell that Noah is going to be a "rationer" instead of a binger. He first announced that he would only eat one piece that night, and although we ended at three, he willingly put his bag in the cabinet to save some for tomorrow. Let's hope that we can keep the bag hidden from Daddy.

And finally, a little poll. When I was growing up in Indiana (and the routine is the same in NC), you waited until sun down to go out trick-or-treating, and you only went to the houses whose porch light was on. That seem to be the way it works here, too. Matt is dumbfounded. When we was little, they would just start trick or treating shortly after school got out, in broad daylight, and knock on any and every door that struck their fancy, under the belief that if someone didn't want to pass out candy, they just wouldn't open the door. He'd be home by dinner. I think this is yet another example of how crazy and freakish people from Jersey can be. Thoughts?

Happy Halloween!

Will post pictures of adorable children in adorable home-made skeleton costumes later. Until then, I thought I'd give a little update.

It was 68 degrees here yesterday. The boys and I played in the backyard for a while, having managed to retrieve from the mess of the garage the backyard toys. Then we walked a mere 2 and half blocks to the Walgreens to purchase Halloween treats for Noah's classmates. I have to admit, it was awesome to be able to just walk out of the house and run our errands in the fresh air. Every time we needed to get anything from any store in the last three years we needed to take the car. It was like Park Slope all over again, but with 60% less rent. During our walk, Noah looked at me and said, "Mom, I love this city."

I think the rest of us are doing a little better with the change, too. I went to a Moms Group yesterday at a local Episcopal church. I just saw a sign in front of a church that I'd been admiring during the past couple of weeks (it's situated next to a creek, has beautiful gardens, looks very medieval and grand). So the boys and I decided to take a chance, and it was great. The boys went to the nursery and had lots of fun playing with other kids, something they've been missing in the last month. And I was able to have a conversation with adults that didn't involve how much I missed them or Charlotte or my old life. I just got to pretend to be a normal person for a couple of hours. (Except for when I left early, thinking it was noon and I had to get home to meet the plumber, when it fact it was only 11 and I had failed to switch this watch to central time.)

It's going to be in the mid-60s here until next Thursday, when it will be 47. Friday will be 37 and snowing.

October 25, 2008 Minneapolis, MN

WOW this place is SMALL!

It's fascinating how relative space is. When we first moved to our huge 2500 square foot house in Charlotte, we were overwhelmed. All that square footage -- 2600 to be exact. We had room after room, closet after closet, cupboard after cupboard. We had so much space we didn't think we could possibly fill it up. We scoffed at neighbors who complained about the tight surroundings of their 4 bedroom homes, who were looking for more space for their family of 3 (two grown-ups, one baby).

Fast forward three years.

We had actually started shopping around our neighborhood for a larger house before Matt was laid off. We were bemoaning the lack of cupboards in our kitchen, thinking we needed a larger space for guests, wishing we could have a third story and a larger master bath and even a walk-in closet. We were looking for something around 3500 square feet, because, you know, anything else would be just too small. We were such idiots.

But God saved us from our own stupidity. And, seemingly to teach us a little lesson, four months later we now find ourselves living in 1000 square feet. As our movers repeatedly pointed out to us, this is really a one bedroom house. To give my loyal readers a "virtual tour" of sorts:

• The "master bedroom" upstairs is really nothing more than an attic. The movers actually laughed at us when we asked if our king-size bed would fit up the stairs. So goodbye, king size bed (which was purchased a mere six months ago). They managed to shove the queen bed upstairs only because a) we coincidentally had a split box spring from our Brooklyn walk-up days, and b) they folded the top mattress almost in half, like a taco. I'm pretty sure we voided that warranty.
• In sweetie's words, he has never in his life showered in a space so small. The shower stall is ridiculous. We can't turn around in the shower without popping the door open with our elbow. The only shower I've encountered that has been smaller has been in the camper my parents rent ever year in Myrtle Beach, which I can't fit into when I'm pregnant. Not sure what I'll do in this shower if I ever manage to get pregnant again.
• The boys' bedroom is 9x7.5. That is smaller than the walk-in closet I was dreaming of in Charlotte. We had to order them bunkbeds because there's no way two beds would have fit in there otherwise. There is a closet, but there's no door on it because there's not enough space to be able to open the door. We have to change Luke's diaper either on Noah's bed (sorry Noah) or the hardwood floors (sorry floors) because there's no room for a changing table anywhere.
• Do any of you who remember the bathroom we had in our walk-up in Brooklyn? That's about the size of the main-floor bath here. And if anyone ever needs proof of evolution, try to sit down on a toilet in a house built in 1921. People used to be a LOT shorter.
• The one room that our movers would say constitutes a bedroom is what we're using as the boys' playroom. We should actually call it a toy room, because there's no actual room in there to play. The toys line the walls and cover the floor. There's enough of a path for the boys to enter, retrieve a toy, and exit the room in search of a place to play with their selection. Right now they're in our closet upstairs.
  
• There's no dining room. We have a table on the front porch. The porch is heated, but not insulated. So we should be okay to eat in there for about another week and a half. The weather wizards here are calling for snow showers next Wednesday.
• We miraculously managed to fit the sectional into the living room, which means that as many as 6 people have someplace to sit in this house. There is literally only one spot it can possibly fit though, and even that leaves it hanging into the doorway to the kitchen by 4 inches. Eh.
  
• The kitchen is large, thank you Jesus. No room for a table, but there's a bar where the kids can eat or where, for example, I can sit with the computer and write a blog entry. Lots of cabinets, though all of our china and fancy stuff and several big kitchen items are still in boxes in the basement.
• Aah, the basement. The glory of the midwestern home. Ours is unfinished. You have to duck your head to walk up or down the stairs. But that's where most of our possessions are being stored. Everything except the stuff that wider than 28 inches. So our sofa bed, our leather couch, the chair and ottoman from Luke's room, etc., etc. are all in our garage right now. We haven't figured out what to do about that.
• The garage is detached. It's two-car, which is awesome for this neighborhood, and it has a two-spot car port, which is even more unusual. And you drive into it through an alley. All of these older neighborhoods throughout Minneapolis have the alley system. Kind of cool, until you're trying to haul two kids and a trunk full of groceries into the house in the pouring rain.

All of that for a mere $1500 per month. We've made it look great though, and it's charming and cozy and warm. And we truly feel so lucky to have a job and a place to call home. That being said, we ask you all to submit your request to God and the powers in the universe that our house in Charlotte sells soon.

All Hail Krugman!

If there's anyone I'm going to listen to right now about the state of the economy, and what's the best plan for alleviating the pain, it's Paul Krugman, recipient of this year's Nobel Prize for economics. Here's his op-ed piece in the New York Times.

To summarize, he says the government needs to spend, spend, spend! Among a variety of welfare projects, he advocates public works projects as well. And, most importantly here, he says McCain is bad news for the economy and that Obama needs to follow his instincts and ignore Washington-insiders who warn against spending.

Dear God, please let Obama win.

Live blogging the debate...

We're concerned that the Boy Wonder is going to fall down on the job again, so the Mr. and I have decided to step in and fill the void. With that, we shall begin "live blogging" the final presidential debate:

• I love Bob Schieffer. I wish he was my grandpa. He seems cuddly. And smart. Just what you want in a grandpa.
• We're playing a drinking game. We get to drink whenever John McCain calls us his "friends." Who I am kidding? We'll be drinking the whole time.
• McCain's response to the first question -- specifically talking about "fannie and freddie" causing this problem -- shows that he has no idea what this crisis is really about, or how it started. The housing crisis is now a relatively small part of the bigger problem -- he's pandering to the middle class because he knows he's in trouble.
• Obama has an awesome look. It says, in a friendly kind of way, "Dude, you are a total idiot d-bag."
• Matt, to McCain when talking about poor Joe the Plumber: "Say 'socialism.' Say it."
• I just changed the drinking game. Now we're going to drink whenever either of them mention "Joe the Plumber."
• McCain's crap about how he "knows how to save billions" -- how?!? how?!? don't hold out on us Senator! Dude -- enough with the f-ing projector! Obama nailed it when he said the earmark issue is basically irrelevant -- 1/2 of 1%! Why is McCain still talking about it? Because he just doesn't get it. Moron.
• If McCain wants to argue that he's not President Bush, maybe he shouldn't have his campaign being run by the Bush White House. He may not be Bush, but he's not doing anything substantive to truly distance himself from Bush.
• NICE rip on Fox NEWS!!! This is why I love that man. No, no. I am IN love with him.
• Q: "Will you say to each other's face the negative attacks launched by your campaign?" A by McCain: that man LIES! How can he possibly say with a straight face that he has repudiated every negative thing said about Obama? How can he say that? How can Palin say she was exonerated by the commission investigating her abuse of power in Alaska? They LIE! How DARE McCain suggest Obama needs to repudiate the comments of a man criticizing Palin & McCain for allowing their supporters to call him a terrorist and for calling for his assassination!
  
• You can see in Obama's face that he is essentially throwing his hands in the air when McCain is completely full of crap. He'll rip all over Obama and bring up Ayers, again, or Acorn, again, and then say the focus of his campaign is the economy. Who does he think he's kidding?
• Palin's qualification for the presidency of the United States is that she understands that autism is on the rise? That she understands special needs families? McCain, "Biden has been wrong on foreign policy issues. . . and that needs to be a strength." REALLY?!? So YOU put a first-term governor of Alaska in that role? I don't care how close Alaska is to Russia -- the hypocrisy is killing me here. I may have to stop blogging now, lest I have an aneurysm.
• Obama says "we." McCain says "I."
• Matt wonders if Joe's middle name is "Six Pack."
• Pro-choice does not mean the same thing as pro-abortion. The uncommitted Ohio voters approval (yes, we're watching CNN skyrocketed when Obama argued that no one wants abortion, and we should all be able to stand behind the goal of reducing intended pregnancies. Why couldn't McCain have just said, "absolutely. We, as Americans, should unite behind that goal." And leave it at that. His shit-eating grin during that argument of Obama's cost him more points than he earned by his conclusion on the point.
• Seriously, why does McCain have to be such a sarcastic shithead?
• "Go vote now. It will make you feel big and strong." Thanks, Grandpa. I love you.
  

Calm down everyone

For those of you who have been clamoring for a "life in Minneapolis" update, here goes...

The last week has been sad, stressful, annoying, difficult, sad, heartbreaking, scary, depressing, anxiety-ridden, sad, tiring, painful, and did I mention sad? But above all that, we've spent the last week being very, very thankful.

We miss our friends and my family like crazy. We desperately miss our house -- our big, beautiful house with all of our stuff in it. We miss the sense of familiarity that we worked so hard during the past three years to achieve. We would do almost anything to get back that sense of comfort we had knowing our way around town, knowing friends were just around the corner and family was just a couple hours down the road. So we didn't want to leave Charlotte. But we had no choice.

That being said, Minneapolis is awesome! It's a beautiful city, full of trees and lakes. The population in general seems to be very "outdoorsy" -- people jog around the lakes even in the rain, there are tons of parks, trails and bike paths everywhere. Each lake (and I'm not at all exaggerating when I say that there is water everywhere around this town) has canoe racks that you can rent from the city to store your canoe (cause apparently, lots of people have them), and there are lots of "parking spots" for sailboats -- I'm sure there is a proper term for that.

Right now we're living in a corporate rental in Uptown Minneapolis -- the equivalent of the East Village in New York. And I know what lots of you are thinking right now, and you are correct. Matt and Mary are not East Village kinda people. And thus, we are not really Uptown kinda people either. We're totally not that cool. So although this is not the neighborhood we would want to buy a house in, it's still very nice -- restaurants, coffee, grocery store, shops and a lake all within walking distance. But corporate apartment life with two toddlers and a dog is not that great -- and I'm sure the young single guys that live above us and below us will be as happy to see us leave as we will be.

And so we've rented a house in the neighborhood we would ultimately like to buy a house in. This past weekend we actually put an offer in on a house, but in between the time we got the preapproval letter from our lender and the time we had our offer accepted, the credit markets tightened that much more and we lost the house. Alas. We decided it was a blessing in disguise, because we really don't want to own one house in this market, let alone two. So without any idea at all of how long it will take to sell that house in Charlotte (since NO ONE right now seems to be able to sell a house in Charlotte), we're just going to settle in to our "cozy" rental. You folks familiar with the NY rental market will know what I mean when I say "cozy." For a little more perspective, this house has less square footage than our 1st Street apartment in the Slope. Ouch. But it's cute, and it has a fenced in backyard with a two car garage. Here's a picture of it from Zillow and the Craigslist posting. The neighborhood is actually very Park Slopey, but with houses instead of brownstones and apartments. The stores do a trick-or-treat night for the kids, and there's a fall festival in one of the parks this weekend. So the movers are going to bring up all of our stuff in about two weeks, and we'll put a fraction of our possession wherever they can fit in the house and vast majority of our possessions will go in its basement. We're open for company, but Matt says you'll have to sleep on the air mattress in the garage. That's the only floorspace we'll have available.

And so far, Matt's firm seems awesome. They have been incredibly welcoming and they have real work for him to do. And that's why we feel so thankful to be here. At least he has a job. Only one other person that we know of who got laid off with Matt has found work, and he had to move out of state, too. And even contract work is hard to come by in Charlotte, so lots of attorneys are scrambling. So even though this is not what we would have chosen to do with ourselves right now if it were up to us, and even though we never, in a million years, would have thought this is where we'd be three years ago when we were so excited to be moving to Charlotte, the bottom line is that we have an income, we have a place to call home, and everyone is healthy. The rest will come in time.

Now I have to go finish filling out my application to take the bar exam. Again. Mother f-er.

A look back...

So I was just going through some VERY old emails, and I found this conversation between Matt & me from October 22, 2001. It made me giggle, and I thought I'd share it. To most of you it probably won't mean anything, but there are a couple of readers out there who may be amused.

Me: Do you want to have Jer and Irene over to watch the game tonight? That way, we could play something while you boys glance at the game. We could do spaghetti--NO! Homemade pizzas! (Don't worry--no kneading dough involved). We could still do laundry that way, too. What do you think?

Matt: that sounds good to me...what is a homemade pizza, then?? i'm not making a homemade pizza if there's no tossing of dough.

Me: Sweetie, we can TOSS, but we don't have to KNEAD. Does this mean I can go to Crate and Barrel and buy the pizza set off of our registry? I love you!

Matt: no no no no no no....that's not what i meant...hold on...that's not why we registered for it...there are some perfectly good elio's pizzas in the fridge, that sounds much better, actually. i would prefer to have frozen pizza tonight - sort of a theme, you know? frozen pizza and footbal - goes very well together. yeah, definitely frozen pizza.

Me: now look. we can't serve our guests frozen pizza. honey, that's just embarassing.

Matt: now look - they are not guests. they are jeremy and irene. they ask for hotpockets, after all, and are very happy to get those pockets. and now that i have a more complete picture, i have changed my mind about dough-tossing.

Me: Sweetie, don't be like this. You know you want to toss the dough. I won't buy the pottery barn shelf this pay period. I'll wait. Just $30! Please, sweetie, please!!! Plus, I was going to invite Brian, too. Isn't he a guest?

Matt: i'm not sure if the b-dub is a guest either - no guest of mine takes of his socks and shoes almost immediately after entering the apartment (see "Etiquette in Someone Else's Apartment" by The Croatian Sensation). And supposedly we need mid-range priced things. if you can find two (2) other items to replace the pizza stone with, then we can start talking deal here.
otherwise, it doesn't look good.

Me: Okay. How about this: in the store, I'll add the silver/metal salad bowl WITH thongs, priced conveniently at $36.95. To sweeten the deal, I'll also add the "Caliente serving pitcher" to match the salsa and chip server someone has bought us. This item is priced at $24.95.
I deem it appropriate at this point to refer you to "Guide to Serving a Meal to Non-Residents of Your Home," an impressive how-to book by "The Master Chef." The author frowns upon ill-equipped kitchens.

Matt: well, if I am going o read through the compendium that you refer to, then I would like to recommend that you read the short work entitled "Registering for Your Wedding: Having Other People Buy Things for You that You've Always Wanted" by a self-described novice in the field, Pookie T. Bear. You may have read other books by Mr. Bear, such as "How to Deal With Hair Loss -What Can I Do?" and "Irish Spring Soap - the Mystery, the Legend of the Most Popular Green Soap on the Planet (includes never-before-published interviews with the founder of Irish Spring and a special pull-out section!!)" Otherwise, that sounds fine.

The things we have to do...

So life is ridiculously insane right now. Here's what we have on our plate:

• Get estimates from movers. Wow, we've got a lot of stuff.
• Retrieve from the storage facility the stuff we put there for the sake of clearing out and "staging" the house.
• Sell lots of crap on craigslist that isn't worth moving.
• Deal with all of the people responding to the ads on craigslist.
• Cancel the phone, cable, internet, newspaper.
• Decide -- do we keep the alarm system active after we leave? I'll take comments on this point. (To consider -- sure, it seems safer. But friends in a similar boat said that realtors that show the house never really remember to re-arm the alarm when they leave, so half the time it's not on anyway.)
• Throw a good-bye par-tay.
• Sell a car.
• Buy a cheaper car.
• Figure out whether we're gonna take one or two cars to Minnesota.
• Figure out how we're gonna get all of the stuff we need up to Minnesota by ourselves, and whether we do that in one car or two cars.
• Buy a rooftop carrier, preferably used.
• Get Matt's parents' dining room table back to Matt's parents. Cheaply.
• Find someplace to stay somewhere between here and Minnesota that is a) cheap and b) doesn't mind our dog.
• Finish plans for the preschool back-to-school carnival I'm the chairwoman of. It's this Saturday. I have to be there from 5 p.m. Friday night until about 4 p.m. Saturday afternoon.
• Finish the minor home repairs identified by the inspector on our pre-listing inspection.
• Go to Home Depot to get supplies for said repairs. Cheaply.
• Pack.
  
• Decide what to pack.
• Prepare for open house on 9/26.
• Visit my family in Hendersonville to say goodbye.
• Figure out if we can get a loan for a house in Minnesota.
• Have another garage sale to get rid of more stuff so we don't deplete our entire savings in the move.
• Pray for the house to sell. Please, please, please sell.

I'm not sure we're gonna make it. Countdown to departure: 12 days.

Signs

I'm a big believer in signs. And after the past few weeks, I think Matt is, too. So this is why we're moving to Minneapolis:

• Matt was laid off on July 31st. We had been trying to get pregnant for about 10 months. We failed, without any medical explanation, and notwithstanding the fact that we'd been successful twice before on the first month out.
• At the time Matt was laid off, my parents were on an Alaskan vacation. When they returned, we told them Matt lost his job. They said, "We think you should move to Minnesota. Everyone we met on our trip was from Minnesota, and they were so nice."
• So we looked around at what Minneapolis had to offer. Seemed nice. One decent-sized firm had a posting for a corporate finance associate, so Matt sent his resume.
• Within a few days, we had a chance, last-minute visit with my aunt & uncle. My uncle (by marriage) grew up in the Twin Cities, and his dad has lots of connections there. He had us forward to his dad Matt's resume.
• My great uncle-in-law, so to speak, is golfing buddies with a guy that used to head the practice of the firm (Briggs & Morgan) that Matt had applied to. Within days, he had found out that they had decided not to hire anyone at all, "passing" on Matt's resume. But this former partner convinced them to give Matt's resume another look. They scheduled a phone interview with Matt for the following week.
• In that time, we were watching Antiques Roadshow. We were drawn to a painting, and kept talking about how much we liked it. Then someone said it was a picture of a farm in Minnesota.
• The next day Matt had his phone interview and it went great.
• The firm called two days later and the hiring partner talked to me since Matt was out golfing. He went on and on about how great of a talk they had with Matt, and asked how soon we could move there. He apologized for taking so long to get back to us (about a total of 50 hours) and said they were sure this was on our mind and wanted to get back to us before the long holiday weekend (Labor Day). Oddly compassionate and thoughtful. They said that Matt had a few more people to meet, but they thought it would be a "great fit."
  
• The next Monday, my mom was taking her students to the hospital for a tour of the area they'll be volunteering in. A nurse approached my mom and told her a woman sitting in the corner knows her and would like to speak with her. Turns out, this woman recognized my mother's name because she was a member of a group that gave me a scholarship to law school ten years ago. They started chatting, and mom finds out that this woman has a daughter who just moved to the very suburb in Minneapolis that we were leaning toward moving to.
• When we got to Minneapolis, and after Matt had received the offer (a whole 20 hours after he had finished his interview), we were taking a driving tour around. We were reconsidering the move, because money would be tight and we couldn't find decent temporary housing. We started driving in silence, listening to Weekend America on NPR. Just then, a listener called in from Edina, MN -- the exact neighborhood we fell in love with and decided to focus our home search on. And just as he said, "Edina," the water tower reading "Edina" came into view.

So, there you go. Nothing in an of itself means anything. Any many of you probably think that, even taken together, none of this stuff means anything. Probably just a coincidence. Maybe. But what the hell. We're moving to Minneapolis.

Special Guest Blog Post!

Hi, everyone, it's me, Sweetie, your Special Guest Blogger. As you know, I'm unemployed (and loving it!), so I have plenty of time to do stuff like grow a beard and write posts on my wife's cool blog. More guest blog posts to follow if Sweetie thinks that my posts are NNWT-worthy (although she is looking over my shoulder right now, editing as I write).

First - Noah's friend Charlie (affectionately referred to as "Char" by his parents -- and Noah) and his13-month old brother Brad ("Beetle", see previous) came over to our house today to play with the boys. Here's a tidbit of what transpired:

Noah: No, you can't touch my ear.
Charlie: Can I touch your face?
Noah: No.
Charlie: Can I touch your arm?
Noah: No.
Mary: Charlie, please don't touch Noah.
Charlie: Why?
Mary: Because you need to keep your hands to yourself.
Charlie: Why?
Mary: Because it's not nice to touch people.
Charlie: Can I touch my brother?
Mary: No.
Charlie: Can I touch myself?
Mary: Sure.
Charlie: Can I touch you?
Mary: Definitely not.
Charlie: Then who can I touch?

You can't make this stuff up. Thanks for the material, Char.


Now for something a little bit off topic, but it's too important not to discuss here. I know you are all probably riveted by the goings-on at the Convention ("OMG! Is that low-level Republican who no longer holds public office actually endorsing Obama?"; "'Where can I get a big blue stick that says 'Iowa'?"), but if you haven't already seen it, you absolutely have to watch "Million Dollar Listings" on Bravo at 10 pm Tuesdays. This is without a doubt the most disturbing reality show we have ever seen, and we make sure we don't miss a single episode. The thing about this show is that it makes us uncomfortable that there are people - real, actual human beings - who behave like the complete douchebags that are on this show. Now, I don't throw around the word "douchebag" that often*, but 2 of the 3 brokers that they follow around make us physically ill. They make Paris, Brittany and Lindsay look like regular folks (as Obama would say). If I was ever unlucky enough to meet one of these complete tools, I would either (a) immediately vomit or (2) punch him in the neck. Please don't miss this show. It's awesome.

*This is not true - "douchebag" is currently my favorite word.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKE!

Today Luke turns 2 years old! The three of us greeted him this morning with a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday to You, causing him to stare at us as if we were all insane. He has no idea what today is, but perhaps he'll look back on it fondly as the day he got to watch anything he wanted on TV without having to negotiate with his older brother, or the day we tolerated any amount of whining he could dish out, or the day he got to eat anything he wanted without regard for nutrition or those pesky conventions about what foods constitute "breakfast" for example. Today, anything goes.

Now, maybe that's because it's Luke's birthday and we're suckers. Or maybe it's because today is the last day for us to scramble to get the house ready before the for sale sign goes in the yard tomorrow morning. In any event, there will be a party at Mema & Bobo's on Thursday evening, complete with Thomas birthday hats, Thomas birthday cake, Thomas birthday plates, and lots of birthday presents his brother can be jealous of.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKEY!

A rhyme for these times

The firm had to say "goodbye" to my sweetiepie
along with 95 others, my oh my.
These things just happen, no one's at fault.
But I bet this won't help its rating on The Vault.

So now daddy gets to hang out at home with us.
Finally, someone else who has to sing Wheels on the Bus.
We're all having fun, like an extended vacation.
But when the severance goes away, so will such elation.

So where, oh where, will all the Tombacks go?
Will it be Seattle, Minneapolis or Vermont, we just don't know!
One thing is for sure, we won't be as rich.
It's true what they say, the market's a bitch.

What we learned last night

• If you hear thunder, do not stall in putting your children to sleep. If it is anywhere near 6 p.m. or later, and you hear a distant rumble, fast forward and instigate the nighttime routine immediately. Do not hesitate. Do not pass go. Do not stop to collect your $200.

• In the unfortunate event that you attempt the nighttime rituals amidst a thunderstorm, press on as if nothing is happening. Ignore it completely. If your children ask, "what was that noise?", respond, "What noise?" If they ask, "what is that flashing light?", respond, "I didn't see anything. Go brush your teeth."

• In the horrific, nightmarish occurrence that a particularly violent lightening bolt strikes the transformer at the back of your property line, causing your house to lose power at the exact moment that you are laying your two-year old into his crib, DO NOT ABORT! Again, continue putting him to bed. Soothe his screams if you must, but DO NOT GET HIM OUT OF HIS CRIB! And with respect to the four-year old in the house, immediately give him a flashlight, tell him he gets to "camp out," and leave his room. DO NOT wait 3 hours to attempt this tactic -- you will only have wasted invaluable time that you will never get back.

• Never wait until "later" to make dinner for you and your husband if you own an electric stove. "Later" might not come. You never know when you'll have to go to bed hungry, having attempted to satiate your hunger with dried cereal while cowering in the back of your pantry, away from your children, so they don't see you eating and attempt to score themselves a "snack" notwithstanding their failure to finish the avocado and blueberry portion of their dinners.

• Don't bother trying to read your children books by flashlight. They'll be way more interested in the flashlight than the books.

• Coleman laterns are AWESOME! Sure, we've yet to make that camping trip we fantasized about when we bought it, but it sure did come in handy last night. Other items that, after last night, we will never live without: 1) a Thomas the Tank Engine computer; 2) a Leapster (with Thomas and Lightening McQueen games); 3) sweetie's Blackberry; and 4) Dr. Seuss books (which were enjoyed once we turned off the flashlight). Items that we will be disposing of immediately: 1) our microwave, stove and alarm system, and any other appliance that causes itself to beep incessantly either immediately upon return of power or within the ensuing FIVE HOURS, regardless of the fact that it is 11 p.m., 2 a.m. or 4 a.m.; 2) my Kathy Smith Intermediate Yoga DVD -- what was I thinking?? (Sure I learned that this morning and not last night, but I wanted to share it anyway...

• Finally, the biggest lesson of last night: Never, ever, ever let a two-year old (or at least our two-year old) sleep in your bed with you and your spouse. Ever. Even if it's a king-size bed that you recently purchased for just such an event. No bed is big enough for Luke.
  

Life in Charlotte

Wachovia is Charlotte's 2nd largest employer, and it just announced that it lost $8.9 BILLION in the second quarter. Now, it's going to cut more than 10,000 jobs. Here's the article, for those you who may have nothing better to do.

Charlotte's growth in the recent years is due primarily, if not solely, to the banking industry. Thankfully, BofA seems to be fairing better. And although it's bigger than Wachovia, Wachovia employs more people here than BofA does. We know several people who lost their bank jobs in the round of cuts last year, and most of them haven't found new jobs yet. These are people with mortgages and young families. There just don't seem to be any jobs to be had, and now more people are going to be out there looking.

But still, our President tells us to be optimistic. "The market is working!"

This Onion article came to us courtesy of Matt Robertson at CWT. We're trying to figure out if it was really published in 2001. It it was, it's crazy scary. It starts:

Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

Among its more poignant passages:

Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?" . . .

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further. . . .

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling.

We're off and running!

So, as most of you know, the Sweetie and I have always wanted a fairly big family. But after a LONG time (relative to our past experiences, anyway) of trying for #3, we've come to realize that maybe that's not what the fates have intended for us. It seems we're supposed to be a blissfully happy family of 4, instead of 5 (at least for the time being -- ya never know what the future may hold...).

So I am hereby announcing that the husband and I are embarking on a different kind of journey -- we're gonna run a half-marathon! We've been "thinking" about this for a long time, and we have lots of friends who have traveled this road before us (go Jeff!!). So we've bought a training guide, got the equipment and we're getting started! (Please note -- any of you from Cadwalader who may happen upon this post: please frequently ask Matt, "How's the training going for the run?" And keep asking him until you shame him into actually doing it. I would really appreciate it.)

And one final note: tonight at dinner Noah announced that his "butt steamed." We don't know what this means. We think he farted. Insights anyone?

"New " Bloggers, and other items of interest

Please direct your attention to the "Other Blogs of Interest." I've added two. The first is "Going Green Girl," which is my sister-in-law, Kerri. She has the done the things with her blog that I would like to do, but get too distracted to focus on -- lots of great information about gardening and environmental issues, but without the preachiness that some people have noted about my blog. I adore my sister-in-law.

And then we have the musings of Jeff Shalom, at "Three Things You Should Know." Wonderfully themed/organized blog (not that there's anything wrong with the seemingly random topic changes you'll find on my blog). Very entertaining reading, especially for the parents in the audience.

And in other news, here's an amusing anecdote from my darling niece, Kaia. I am in love with my nieces more than words can describe, and not just because they're my nieces. They have the most fabulous personalities, and they do the funniest things. Case in point: I was visiting H'ville this week, and Kerri and I took all the kids to the WNC Nature Center. I volunteered to escort Kaia to the potty for a number 2. She's 5, so she can essentially handle these things herself, but she just needs some occasional supervision. She goes into the stall and asks my to shut the door behind her. So I stand outside and wait for her. And then I hear this coming from the stall: "[Grunt. Bigger Grunt.] Oh yeah, that's it. Come on, come on. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Almost... almost... [Big Sigh.] Oooooh, nice." Little girls, and all that sugar and spice.

The TVs are all broken

Or at least this is what we've told the boys. We started this about two months ago, and we were initially very successful. In fact, on our first attempt, we went nine days without the TV on in the house at all. Impressive, huh? But then, one rainy day, we figured, "Hey, we're in the clear. The boys no longer NEED to watch TV, so we can let the boys watch one show, right?" The next day, it was two shows. And then it was a movie, then it was two movies, and voila, back to pure addiction. Then they were "broken" again for a while, and then I got sick and needed the kind of assistance that only Diego and the Backyardigans could provide. So, magically, the TV was fixed. Then, after a couple of days we broke it again. And the cycle continued. (An experience that interestingly paralleled our attempts to quit smoking.) Until last week, when I was exhausted and overwhelmed by my to-do lists to prepare for our visitors, I launched a full-fledged Nick, Jr. marathon. We (because by Thursday, Matt was a willing accomplice) continued that way through the weekend.

And now here we are on Monday morning, and the TVs are busted again (this time we got to blame it on the crazy storms that blew through last night). When the boys woke up this morning, suffice it to say that Noah was disappointed. But he's recovered and, 4 and half hours later, is contentedly playing trains.

When Luke woke up, we got his milk and he headed into the family room to assume his position on the couch. When he figured out that I wasn't going to be turning on the TV (with Noah saying, "I know Lukey, it's terrible. The TV is broken again."), he lost it. His feelings about this tragedy simply cannot be described with mere words. Blood-curdling screams come closer. A fit of pure rage is more like it. I attempted to distract him with a collaborative smoothie-making breakfast. Then we went to get haircuts. Then we went on a nature walk on the greenway, and then ran a couple of errands. But none of this really took him away from the subject of TV (the fact that the van has a dvd player, which was also "broken," didn't help). And then we had to come home. And as I type this, he is standing in front of the TV in the playroom, having gathered every remote in the house, and is desperately trying to make one of them reunite him with his beloved Diego.

Why does the TV also get broken on Monday mornings when daddy goes back to work?

It's starting! IT'S STARTING!!!

Fantastic news everyone! We've seen the light at the end of Luke's diaper-wearing tunnel!

By way of background, our experience to-date with potty-training went something like this...

We really thought it would be nice to only have one child in diapers at a time, and we naively thought it would be possible to have Noah potty-trained by the time he was 28 months old (when I was due with Luke). My mother told me, having potty-trained three boys herself, that I was dreaming. All but one of my friends with boys with boys echoed my mom. But my friend Katie is a wizard, and she had her son Trace trained within a month of his 2nd birthday, so I thought there was hope. Noah was more than happy to remind me who was boss. He steadfastly refused to even get near the toilet. We tried sitting; we tried standing. We used a stand-alone potty training seat; we tried one that sat inside a regular toilet. Nothing worked. We bribed him just to get him to try to sit on the toilet seat, but he still refused. One of my lowpoints as a mom came when I put Noah's favorite movie on the portable DVD player, and armed myself with a half gallon of juice and a gigantic bag of M & M's. I sat him on the toilet, put on the movie, and forced juice down his throat while offering him candy every time he tried to get off. I was so desperate just to get him to see the pee pee come out of his body in pathetic, misguided hopes that he would understand the cause and effect thing of bladder functioning. And hour and a half passed, and I gave up all hope that he would pee. I told him to get off the toilet and follow me into his room to put a diaper on. He peed on the carpet in the hallway on the way to his room.

At that point, I consulted the experts (among them, Mom, and the pediatrician). They all said he was clearly not ready, and not to bother at all any more. "Just wait until he turns 3, and then try again." Fine.

We spent Noah's 3rd birthday in the Dominican Republic for our friends' wedding (shout out to the Hellers). We were all in the pool on the morning of Noah's birthday, swimming, hanging out, and making frequent trips to the swim-up pool bar (widely known as one of God's best inventions). Noah was standing on the side of the pool, and started jumping up and down. It looked like he perhaps was having a seizure. Little did we know this was the pee pee dance! He didn't seem to know what was going on at first either -- he looked dreadfully bewildered. But then he turns to us and says, "I need to go pee pee in the potty." After we recovered from the shock, Matt took him to the cabana toilet by the pool, and he stood there and peed, as if he'd been doing it for months. And that was it. (Note that the second time in Noah's life that he used the "big boy potty" was later that evening. In the middle of B&N's ceremony, he stood up on his chair and announced to his father, "I need to pee pee in the potty again!" Thank God we were in the back row. That would have been an interesting commentary on the wedding video.)

Anyway, given that experience, we had prepared ourselves for another year (at least!) of changing Luke's diapers. And while I'm being careful not to jinx us, it might not be that bad... A couple of months ago, Luke started copying Noah's bathroom trips. Whenever the mood struck him (which is happening more and more frequently lately), Luke will march to the bathroom, lift up his t-shirt and lean into the toilet bowl, and stand there for a second. Then he says "all done," flushes, and insists on washing his hands (yay!). Well a few days ago, after an obvious moment of deep concentration and grunting, he patted his butt and said, "Uh oh, poop." (This happened in the middle of the Lowe's.)

And here it is -- this morning, about 15 minutes after we put on a new diaper and got him dressed, he grabbed his "winkie" area, and said, "Pee pee! Pee pee!" Then he RAN into the bathroom, lifted up his shirt and leaned into the toilet. I hurriedly removed his diaper, and sure enough, he had just PEED!! Do you realize what this means! He was aware of the fact that he'd peed, and he connected that event to the toilet! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!! Now we just have to make the realization come BEFORE the act!

Wish us luck. This has all the potential of being one of the happiest moments of my time as a parent.

A Very Important Announcement

My fellow Americans,

I have been confronted with the reality that I spend too much time playing games on Facebook. How much time, you ask? Just check out my profile page, or any other page that informs the viewer what "Mary has been doing" recently. It seems ALL I've been doing is "beating my personal best" or "finishing another game." Do I have no life at all? No, apparently I don't.

Now, I know may surprise many of you, but I have somewhat of an addictive personality. It's possible I have been addicted to various things in the past. And when I'm blessed with a wake-up call, I know it's time to move on. For example, when you're four-year old asks, "Mom, are you playing the letter game again?", you know it's time to stop playing the letter game.

So, to my dear friends whose competition I've enjoyed so, so much in the past few weeks, please do not nudge me. And do not take it personally when I ignore all Facebook-generated attempts to get me to finish our games. I must allow our games to go unfinished. I simply can't go on like this anymore.

And to Hannah, the naive, well-intentioned friend who became aware of the depth of my obsessive personality only AFTER introducing me to the evil temptress known as "Scrambulous," please do not ever do that to me again. Or prepare to babysit my children, make my dinner, clean my house, engage in interesting conversation with my husband and perform all such other tasks I neglect while I explore a new fixation.


RIP Scramble, Scrabulous and Wordtwist. I've deeply treasured our time together, and I will miss you terribly.

What a difference a new camera makes...

As Noah will tell you, he is a big and giant boy, with super strong muscles.

On a recent hike with the boys...

Is Luke happy or sad to be getting up from his nap?

Some tips I've come up with in my short four years as a mom...

On moving -- anywhere -- with children: There will always be a better stroller out there somewhere, so don't make yourself crazy over that decision. We've now purchased 7, yes SEVEN!, strollers in our four years as parents. In chronological order: 1) the Peg Perego (clunky and squeaky and, now, broken somewhere in a landfill); 2) the Combi (bad handle); 3) the Maclaren Volo (LOVE it; the ONLY way to maneuver the streets of Park Slope, but now has a whole in the bottom); 4) the used single jogger (ugly as sin, but still functional); 5) the Maclaren Double (heavy as hell, but gets the job done and thankfully not used too much these days); 6) the Snap 'N Go for the Snugride (how did we live without this the first time around?); and 7) the Schwinn Double jogger (still the best way to get anywhere in the neighborhood). And then we were in the Babies R Us yesterday, and I saw THIS. I want to have another baby just to buy it.

On feeding babies: High chairs are stupid, and a waste of space. Buy your baby a $25 booster seat on move on with life.

On feeding toddlers: Toddlers are a finicky, fickle bunch. The logic they apply to their food choices is beyond my comprehension. So I developed some tricks to play the game on their level.

1. Peas are not "peas," because Noah doesn't like peas. Peas are "green corn."
2. Salmon is not "salmon," because who likes salmon?? Salmon is "pink chicken."
3. Soba noodles apparently don't sound appetizing to my children, so instead, they are referred to as "chocolate spaghetti."
4. "Green french fries" = green beans.
5. "Chocolate chicken" = beef.
6. Cover a waffle in "snow" (i.e., powdered sugar) and what fun-loving 3 year-old wouldn't want to eat it? (And for that matter, make it snow -- with parmesan cheese, for instance -- over anything to transform it into something more appealing.)

On toting children around on your body: The Bjorn is the original, the tried-and-true method on carrying around a newborn. I tried a sling, but I couldn't make it work for me. And then each of the boys outgrew the Bjorn at about 4 months old (or at least it became too uncomfortable to wear), so I moved on to the Playtex Hip Hugger. At $30, it's a relatively insignificant investment that bought me extra time outside with Noah while holding onto Luke, or got me through those last 10 minutes of making dinner with a 6 month old who only wanted to be held. And, like most "yippees" (that's yuppie/hippie fusion), we bought the Kelty backpack for our hiking trips. But then we realized that kids are heavy, putting them in a backpack makes them heavier, and lifting that pack onto your upper back makes all parts of your body hurt like hell after a mere 15 minutes. So, as Luke approaches his second birthday, we thought the days of carrying him around on us were long gone. That is, until Gina visited a couple of weeks ago and introduced me to my new favorite thing -- the Ergobaby. I love absolutely everything about this invention of crazy, over-the-top attachment parenters. It's perfect. It's comfortable for me and for Luke, it's lightweight, and it's easy to use. It's machine-washable! IT HAS POCKETS!! It can fit in a suitcase for vacations, and can live in the van to be ready at a moment's notice. It allowed me to spend two hours walking around the Farm (more about our wonderful CSA on another post), and last weekend we went hiking at the US Whitewater Center, all with Luke chillin' out on my back. Every parent should have one of these. (Matt wants me to find a way to earn commissions from my recommendations...).

On wanting your children to learn to talk: This is not all it's cracked up to be. Sure it's all cute to hear them pronounce new words when they're babies, and whose heart doesn't melt the first few times (or hundred times) you see those gorgeous faces light up as they exclaim "Mama!"? But somewhere along the line, something happens, and instead you start to hear things like, "Moooommmm, I wasn't talking to YOU, I was talking to my DAD, so don't say anything to me!" And then there's the incessant "Mom, why? Mom, why? Mom, why? Mom, why?" To think that with both of our late-talkers, we were so anxious to hear them speak. So naive.

On letting your children watch TV: putting on a fourth consecutive episode of Backyardigans so you can play Scramble and draft a blog post while your spouse pours over the Sunday NY Times is okay, right?

A day in the life...

Noah is the Master of the Non-Sequitur. Some of my favorites from today:

"Mom, I'm going to need something to drink because I'm going to cuddle with Mabel now."

Me: "Noah, this is Dennis. He's gonna clean our gutters for us." Noah: "Mommy, sometimes I don't like it when mushrooms grow."

"Daddy, I need some juice because my finger hurts."

Other children -isms from today that I feel I need to share:

Luke recently learned the word "no." (He's a late talker, to say the least.) This is literally the only word that comes out of his mouth that anyone but his parents could understand. Clear as a bell. So this afternoon, he strolled up to Mabel, sat down in front of her, and said, "No!" Mabel walked away. Luke got up, followed her, sat back down in front of her and again said, "No!" Again, Mabel departed. Again, Luke followed, sat down and told her, "No!" I have no idea what Mabel was doing that Luke didn't like, but this all went on for about 5 minutes. Hysterical. Matt says I need to video these things and post them. We'll see about that...

Matt and I took the boys out for a "walk" tonight. I filled a plastic cup with a glass of wine before we left the house, because I knew this wasn't gonna be easy. We first spent the 30 minutes of the "walk" assembling a push-trike that we bought for Luke. We figured he'd enjoy being pushed around on his own bike while Noah rode his big-boy bike. We leashed the dog, grabbed the wine and the bikes, and headed down the driveway and out of the cul-de-sac. It took us 45 minutes to go the length of 3 houses. Luke only wanted to hold Mabel's leash. Then he wanted to hold her leash while he sat on his bike. Mabel only wanted to pee in the neighbor's yard. Noah didn't want to pedal his bike -- he only wanted to be pushed. Then Noah wanted to ride Luke's bike and Luke wanted to ride Noah's bike. Then they fought over who was going to hold Mabel's leash. Then Luke abandoned his pursuit of the leash when he realized Noah's bike was unattended. He made a mad dash for the big-boy bike, but he apparently forgot he's only 21 months old and can't reach high enough to climb on. This fumbling took just long enough for Noah to figure out what was going on, drop the leash and furiously attempt to reclaim his bike. So Luke starts screaming. At this point, we decide to abort our mission of cruising the block and just head back home. We ended up walking home with Matt carrying Luke and holding Mabel's leash, while Noah pushed Luke's bike and I pulled Noah's bike, wishing I'd filled my glass a little more.

Both of these stories likely fall into the category of "you had to be there," but Matt & I are about to open our second bottle of wine right now, so who the hell cares.

Info on the bad stuff in plastics

In response to the Media Dude's "kind" request for further information, I had my servants compile the following:

1) Phthalates (and DEHA): These are found all over the place -- perfume, iphones, plastics, shower curtains, nail polish, lots of things that have "fragrance" on their ingredient list (cosmetics, baby lotions, household cleaners, paint, etc.). In plastics, they are used to make the item "flexible." (Some of you, ahem, may also need to know that they are commonly used in jelly-rubber sex toys.) As usual, Europe is ahead of the U.S. on dealing with these substances -- many of them are already banned in children's toys and cosmetics. Studies are being conducted on the effects on metabolic, endocrine and reproductive functions. For instance, a study this year on baby care products containing phthalates showed that among infants using the products, researchers found the levels of phthalate-concentration had increased. And a 2005 study on baby boys whose mothers were exposed to phthalates during pregnancy showed "a shortened anogenital distance." And the authors of a study of Finnish boys with undescended testis hypothesized, based on their findings, that exposure to a combination of phthalates and anti-androgenic pesticides may have contributed to their condition. And in 2007, a study of men conducted by researchers at Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry concluded that urine concentrations of four phthalate metabolites correlate with waist size and three phthalate metabolites correlate with the cellular resistance to insulin, a precursor to Type II diabetes. All that being said, no one has said conclusively that this stuff can mess with your body, and there are lots of organizations out there (like the Phthalate-Users Association of America, otherwise known as NAMBLA), that says they are perfectly safe.

2) BPA: Bispenol-A is used to make plastics hard, and it's also found in the lines of most canned goods (including organic canned foods), soda cans and plastic water bottles. From The Green Guide, "According to its critics, BPA mimics naturally occurring estrogen, a hormone that is part of the endocrine system, the body's finely tuned messaging service. 'These hormones control the development of the brain, the reproductive system and many other systems in the developing fetus,' says Frederick vom Saal, Ph.D., a developmental biologist at the University of Missouri. Endocrine-disrupting chemicals can duplicate, block or exaggerate hormonal responses. 'The most harm is to the unborn or newborn child,' vom Saal says." And recent studies on rodents have linked bpa to cancers, early-onset of puberty, obesity and type-II diabetes. The U.S.'s National Toxicology Program found that even low levels of bpa can alter brain behavior and can cause changes in the prostate and mammary glands. Based on these findings, Canada is banning bpa use in baby bottles. And now our favorite NY senator, Chuck Schumer, is trying to do the same in the U.S.

Euphonious Phantasm

I'm proud announce that my brother is for sale on Amazon! His CD, that is. Check it out if you have a chance. This is my youngest brother, Matt, who's currently working on his master's degree in historical preservation from Clemson University (studying in Charleston). And he's also been a frequent commenter on this very blog! I know he's my brother, so I'm not exactly objective, but we're all totally impressed. Yay Matt!

And Noah got a "medium size guitar" for his birthday yesterday (he requested that size because, in his words, he is "a medium size boy -- not too big and not too little"). He's says he's gonna be a rock star when he grows up (and a "scuba diver who studies whales" and "a scientist of the volcanoes"). So I'll post the link to his album as soon as he's finished recording.

Cleaning out the plastics

The fam was away last week on vacation (Happy Passover, everyone! and Congratulations to Amanda and Alan!), which explains my web silence. But don't worry everyone, I'm back.

My dearest darling Kara recently asked for some recommendations I may have about eco-friendly cleansers and about what research I've uncovered on alternatives to traditional sippy cups. I thought I'd post my email to her in response:

First, cleaning products. I've tried just about everything (Method, Seventh Generation, Eco line, etc.), but my favorite is Shaklee. I originally heard about it on a couple of Oprah's "going green" episodes, and then heard more about it from some friends who are devotees. Now, I'm hooked. If memory serves, the current owners discovered the company (and eventually bought it) when they were searching for non-chemical cleaning options for their sons who were suffering from allergies and severe asthma. The prices actually end up being better than a lot of the stuff you can buy in the stores because everything is concentrated. I started with the "Get Clean Starter Kit" and I am a fan of everything in there. And my cleaning ladies, who were very skeptical, have now been won over. They're even recommending the stuff to their other clients -- and they aren't interested in the eco-friendly part of the stuff. They just like the way they clean.

Now, sippy cups. This is somewhat tricky. The one I seem to like the best is The Safe Sippy. It's bpa, phthalate and DEHA free. But everyone else seems to like that one too because it's sold out literally everywhere until mid-May. It only seems to be available on the internet. I like this because it's basically like our Sigg bottles but with a sippy-style cap. Not wanting to wait a month, I have been searching for other options.

I bought this one at Babies R Us yesterday: . So far, it's ok. It doesn't leak, but it's somewhat heavy for Luke to carry (he manages, though), and there are 4 components to the top, which is kind of annoying. Babies R Us was out of the Born Free cups, but I intend to go back tomorrow to pick up some when they restock. They're free of bpa, but they don't specify that they're free of phthalates or DEHA, too.

And although they're not a pure sippy, I highly recommend the Sigg bottles for the whole family. We all have one. The boys drink fine from them -- although Luke had a learning curve at first with understanding that he couldn't tip it over. I just now read something, though, that says although Sigg is better than plastic, some people aren't convinced that its aluminum construction is risk free. The Klean Kanteen line seems to be more widely accepted as "safe" because it's stainless steel, and it has a sippy-style lid (which is currently backordered).

And for other tableware options, the Boon line seems to be good. It's sold at Babies R Us. Note that their sippy cup got terrible reviews on Amazon. Apparently it leaks and is hard for kids to figure out how to drink out of.

In general, short of finding something that it guaranteed to be free of such substances as phthlates, you can feel fairly comfortable about #5 plastics.

And as far as food storage goes, there's Ikea's 365 glass line, and Crate and Barrel has a decent glass selection. I bought some pyrex yesterday to use for storage (I couldn't find anything online saying it was bad, but please let me know if you find anything...). It's incredible (and scary) how much plastic there is around our house...

So sad

We woke up this morning to discover all the baby birdies died. We buried them in the backyard in their nest and had a little funeral. Matt and I have decided we've committed involuntary birdslaughter, but there's a good case for depraved indifference murder. My heart is broken. Maybe this is what parenthood does to you -- you develop an empathy you never really knew you were capable of. Everyone except Andrew, that is (see comment 1 to previous post). Not cool, Media Dude.

But as an interesting and/or disturbing aside, it seems the Mr. and I have created some bad bird karma. Last week, a bird committed suicide by crashing through the window of our garage door and hitting my van. (At the risk of sounding callous, my van was fine. The bird? Not so much.) It appeared to have died instantly. And $105.73 later, we have a new window on the garage door.

But since these things come in 3's, here's the question -- does the death of the baby birds count as one event, such that we have one more bird death on its way? OR, since we killed 5 baby birds (+ the one that killed itself = 6), are we done? I can only imagine that some sort of Alfred Hitchcock-inspired massacre awaits us...

Pray for the poor birdies...

It's official. Matt and I are total a-holes. Why, you ask? Let me share a little story...

Yesterday we spent ALL day outside working in the yard. A few days before I had relocated our hanging ferns on our porch to sit in the sun on the patio. Towards the end of the day, I was pruning the ferns in preparation for putting them back on the porch. As I was clearing away the dead stuff, I came across a hunk of "brush." I tossed it the pile of clippings and weeds we still had left to throw away. When I looked at it from another angle, I saw it was actually a nest. I then picked it up, and showed it to my darling husband. "Look sweetie, a bird nested in my fern!" He comes over, inspects it, and says, "cool." We then threw it back in to the pile of clippings. GASP!! Then we tossed the pile into a garbage bag and put it in the garage. Why didn't we put it on the side yard with the other trash? Or take it to the curb with the other 3 bags of clippings we'd amassed during the day? Beats me.

So this morning I go into the garage to get the cleaning supplies for the cleaning ladies, and I hear something. A little squeaky noise. I immediately call Matt and beg him to come home arguing that we've apparently trapped some living animal in our garbage. Believing this animal to be some sort of rodent, I refuse to go anywhere near it. At this point, I'm mildly saddened at the thought of a poor animal suffocating in a plastic bag full of decaying weeds, but believing it to be a mouse, I get over it. Matt laughs at me and goes back to work.

Several hours later, as the cleaning ladies are replacing the supplies in the garage and I'm writing their check, we all hear the noise -- louder this time. Squeakier. Aidee confirms that it's probably a mouse, except she says "baby" mouse. So now I feel guilty. I beg her to look in the bag for me, and then she sees it. Sitting on top. The nest. "Ahhh, Ms. Mary! It's full of baby birds!"

Holy crap!

"And they're starving!" So Aidee, her mother-in-law Elena, and I rush out the baby birds, find the exact spot in my ferns that they were situated in, and replace the entire nest. Then I start to panic. I rush into the house and call the first number I can think of -- Winghaven, a bird sanctuary and garden set up a million years ago by some rich, child-less woman who lived in the fancy part of uptown Charlotte and who loved birds. While I'm doing this, Aidee is literally digging up our lawn (i.e. weeds) to find something to feed the birds. I rush outside through the garage, and then I hear more squeaking -- we forgot one! Another baby bird just lying on top of this clipping pile squeaking its little heart out! So Elena comes to rescue that one while Aidee is feeding the others little bug/worm things she find in the soil and while the Winghaven lady is telling me that their mother may very well return, we need to leave them be for a while, etc.

Noah is enthralled for all of 30 seconds (his baby bird excitement is then quickly replaced by his (false) belief that he has managed to tie the drawstring of his pants). I peek in the nest and see these 5 precious little things, all of them stretching their delicate necks out and desperately opening their beaks in search of food. My heart is literally breaking and I'm near tears. (Who knew I could care this much about none-human living things?)

I then call Matt again to tell him that we are two of the dumbest, cruelest people ever. And that's when we see Mommy returning. She clearly had been searching for her babies. For the last hour now, she's been keeping tabs on them and bringing them food. But the most amazing thing is that she seems to have recruited help. There are definitely at least 2-3 birds coming to these babies. As pathetic as this sounds, please think of these poor babies and send positive energy their way so they live. And then pray that Matt and I gain a shred of common sense and learn to either a) leave a birdnest exactly where we find it; or b) open our eyes enough to notice 5 baby birds sitting right under our noses. It's truly amazing Noah and Luke are still alive.

UPDATE: We lost one. Either fell out of the nest or was pushed out because it had already died. This is so upsetting.

Following up on Boy Wonder's music recommendations

For those of you who aren't loyal readers of the Boy Wonder's blog, I had asked Matt's former roommate and all-around BFF for recommendations for new music for my sweetiecakes. We had been listening to the same stuff for years, and I decided to surprise him for his birthday with a large new array of CDs for his/our listening pleasure. I was attempting to introduce us to some new things, and challenge our tastes somewhat as well (some people have commented in the past that I fear new things. Really?!?) I consulted the B.W., a couple of my brothers, and read a ton of stuff on NPR. Here's what Matt opened (actually, the boys opened them) on his birthday:

1. Avett Brothers -- Emotionalism. One brother of mine is a huge fan, and it was on an NPR Best of 2007 list. So far, Matt's a fan. I haven't heard it yet, so I have no comment thus far.

2. Iron & Wine -- The Shepherd's Dog. Also from an NPR's Best of 2007. Pretty cool, although I think Matt likes it more than I do.

3. Vampire Weekend, per the B.W. Irene, you are insane. This is AWESOME! I completely love the entire CD, and Matt does to. (For the record, by Matt saying, "Yeah, that's pretty cool," that means he's completely in love, too.) And please consider what personal issues I had to overcome just to buy the thing -- I hate vampires!! I get the heebie-jeebies about all things "evil" (which includes zombies and their love of brains, so let's avoid all those jokes, okay 3A dorks?). Why would a perfectly decent band pick that terrible name?

4. The New Pornographers -- Challengers. We're also big fans of this one too, and so is Luke. The kid LOVES IT! We now make sure we have it in the car with us to distract him if he starts to freak out. He likes to dance to the entire CD by moving only his left hand, pointer finger extended. I think he gets his dancing prowess from his daddy.

5. Feist -- the Reminder. I'll admit, I wanted this one. I've been singing "1234" ever since those darn ipod commercials. Then I heard "I Feel It All" and liked it, too. The rest of the CD is more mellow than those two songs, but still pretty decent.

6. Robert Plant & Allison Kraus -- Raising Sand. Heard tons of good reviews about this CD. I was trying to draw Matt's tastes out a bit, but I figured he wouldn't like it. And he doesn't. Not at all. I do. So we'll keep it.

7. Matt Pond PA -- Several Arrows Later. Brian's recommendation, and we totally love it. It's one of the biggest hits of the group. I just ordered Last Light.

8. Tabu Rey Rochereau -- The Voice of Lightness: Congo Classics from the 1960s and 70s. This one came from NPR, and the review said "it's some of the most beautiful singing that exists," so I was intrigued. And it is -- absolutely gorgeous. It's great music to have on around the house during the day, while we're cooking, etc. Highly recommend this one for anyone wanting to try something a little different.

9. Lucinda Black Bear -- 'capo my heart' and other bear songs. This is a band from Brooklyn that NPR considers one of the best unknown bands from 2007. Here's their summarized review: "Brooklyn's Lucinda Black Bear is a new project led by Christian Gibbs. The band plays carefully written folk-rock with stunning arrangements. Capo My Heart and Other Bear Songs is a melancholy collection of songs that are expressive and moving. With Kristin Mueller on drums, Chad Hammer on cello and Clare Burson on violin, they paint lonely, deserted images with dark minor chords and complex melodies." That kind of thing isn't usually my cup of tea, but Matt usually digs that kind of stuff, and who doesn't want to support folks from the old 'hood, right?

10. Blizten Trapper -- Wild Mountain Nation. Described on NPR as "a little like Grateful Dead meets Pavement." I don't even know what that means. But I knew that neither Matt nor I had ever heard of these guys, and but they'd been getting a lot of press lately, so I thought it was worth a try. I haven't listened to it yet, but Matt artfully describes it as "pretty cool."

11. Stars -- In Our Bedroom After the War. Saw it on several "best of" lists for 2007. I made Matt listen to the samples on line before we opened it. Apparently, it's getting returned.

12. LCD Soundsystem -- Sound of Silver. See #11, supra.

13. Backyardigans -- Born to Play. Having won widespread acclaim by some tough critics in our circle, we decided to take a chance. While "Surf's Up, Ho Daddy" is always a crowd pleaser, we're finding ourselves more frequently humming "Almost Everything is Boinga." "Dragon Mountain," however, is currently receiving the most requests. ... Okay, okay. This wasn't one we wrapped up for daddy, but we did buy it. And "we" LOVE IT!

14. Mates of State -- Team Boo. Another B.W. recommendation, and another hit. Our Constant Concern is on our current list of "to-buys."

15. Nada Surf -- Let Go. Got great reviews on Amazon, but I can't for the life of me remember why I bought it. But he likes it, so yay me.

16. White Stripes -- Icky Thump. This CD was a testament to how much I love my husband. I'd heard some of their stuff before, and I hated it. And just the looks of 'em freak me out. But I thought Matt might like it, so I bought it anyway. As predicted, he thinks its decent, I still hate it.

Notwithstanding what I said re: 16, I didn't love my husband enough to buy him the new Radiohead CD. I just couldn't bring myself to do it -- I've hated Radiohead for so long that I thought it would be compromising my principles to purchase it. But I ordered for him today, as gesture of good will, because I knew he wanted it and it served as a replacement for one of the ones we're returning.

So, there you have it. As far as B.W.'s other suggestions, Matt already had the Shins CD Brian had burned for him, so I didn't buy that one. I didn't get Regina Specktor because I knew once he found out about the Grey's Anatomy thing, he'd be predisposed to loathe her, and since I was already foisting Feist and Allison Kraus on him, I didn't think poor Regina would fly. Comment at will to convince him otherwise. And re: The Strokes, Brian just didn't give me enough there to motivate me.

As an aside, I have recently fallen in love with all of the Putumayo CDs (currently buy 2, get 1 free at Barnes & Noble, along with several other "indie" selections including Matt Pond PA's Last Light & Rainbows), which are world music compilations organized by genre. I'm digging Arabic Groove, Turkish Groove and New Orleans right now. Just ordered ones on Mississippi Blues and Gypsy music. And for those you looking for gift-giving suggestions for the youngsters in your life, the kids "playground" compilations are fantastic -- the boys are absolutely loving the "Sing-A-Long" CD right now and Matt and I don't mind listening to it (over and over again) at all.


(And don't comment on any typos -- I haven't had time to proofread adequately because my mad lullaby singing skills are being requested at this very moment by a little boy down the hall).